Cold, Hard, Concrete Countertops at Project Dimmel HQ

All you really need to know is this: It works. It looks amazing. You should do it. It’s easy.

Phase 33 of ProjectDimmel’s 5-year kitchen remodel plans proceeded right on schedule. The goal was simple; transform our milquetoast laminate countertops into a showpiece that can meet the punishing demands of the Project Dimmel staff. What’s that? Simply replace your laminate countertops with quartz, you say? This ain’t Project Rockefeller, my friend. We’re on a budget over here and we wanted to see if we could increase our swagger for, let’s say, fifty bucks. Good news for similar households…you can!

Here’s what we were up against: underwhelming, off white laminate. Not unlivable, but wrong all the same. Phase 25 had seen the addition of a lovely blue, mosaic tile backsplash while phase 31 ushered in a Polaris White paint job for our scabby maple cabinets. A great leap forward to be sure, but it cast a rather harsh light on the bland, off-white countertops. The answer? Ardex Concrete FeatherFinish.

With $50, a stout heart and a willingness to live without running water in your kitchen for 3-5 days, you can create a stunning feature for your kitchen. Pick up two boxes of this stuff ($15 a piece), the largest taping knife your space will allow, painters tape, a roll of 3 mil. poly (to seal off the area while sanding), and a few variety packs of sandpaper. Wanna learn how? Let’s get nuts…

First off, in order for the concrete to adhere, you need to abrade the laminate. You’re about to go HAM on your countertops with 60 grit sandpaper so this is the point of no return. Look, concrete is going to adhere no matter what, but the more you roughen and abrade the laminate surface, the better and longer the concrete will last so work with that in mind. We abhor manual labor here at Project Dimmel so we employed undocumented children for this task. You should too, you won’t regret it!

Next: You’re going to want to tape off the area. I know this sounds fussy, but tape it off before each skim coat and remove it right after you apply the concrete. Otherwise you will trap the tape under the concrete and be sent to the Gulags. And for all that is sacred people, pull your damn sink. This will be the hardest (nastiest) part of the job, but it’s the right thing to do and there’s nothing more to say about it. Be a damn American for once in your life.

This isn’t always noted in other concrete countertop how-tos, but you really ought to trowel and sand the concrete in the direction that your countertops flow. It is possible to impart a grain, if you will, to the concrete and working lengthwise or widthwise on your countertops while applying and sanding the concrete will make this happen. Follow the directions on the box and have at it. The stuff dries quick though, so it’s better to mix small batches and work in one small area at a time.

For rounded and bullnose countertops, you’ll need to work the edges by hand. Wear rubber gloves and wet them down a bit. This will allow you to spread and shape the concrete and work it into the nooks and crannies. Is it a bit thin here or there? Probably. But I strongly recommend three skim coats of concrete. If it’s light (or if you sand through a layer) don’t panic on the streets of Carlisle, just give that area a little more love on the next coat.

Here’s what the FeatherFinish will look like as it dries. Remember, now is the time to pull the tape! If you wait, it’ll get trapped under dry concrete. Pull that stuff now and resign yourself to taping anew with each coat.

Next: Sanding. This is the part you’ll hate but careful (and even artful) sanding is what separates the men from the boys. Mask off the area with  poly, you’ll be glad you did.  You can use an orbital sander if that’s your thing but I recommend cutting a sanding block that’s as wide as you can handle and working in the direction of your countertops. Go like this: 60 grit for the high spots and nubbins, then 100, 150, and 220. You’ll probably sand right through the concrete (in places) that you just lovingly laid down. The stuff is REALLY strong but on the corners and edges, it’s just going to happen. No worries though. You’re going to do this right and you can simply cover those bare spots with coats two and three.

Remember how smooth and even the color looked before you sanded? This is how it looks after. Don’t be alarmed. This is concrete doing what concrete does. You can control the randomness and the lights and darks (to a degree) by applying and sanding multiple coats in the same direction. Also, when you apply the right sealer, these variances fade back.

Plop on another skim coat of concrete paying special attention to any uneven areas and places where you sanded through the previous coat. See how much more even the subsequent coats look?

This is what I mean by sanding in the direction of your countertops. When people see our countertops they always ask us if they are made out of reclaimed wood. If you dig that look, be sure to apply and sand in in the right direction.

With our three skim coats applied, dried, and sanded, we’re finally ready for some sealer. Quality is job one at Project Dimmel, but efficiency has always been job number two. With that in mind, we like to use a roller whenever possible. We find that it speeds up the process and imparts the most even look to coatings, especially high gloss stuff like we are working with today. And what are we working with today? Not at liberty to say. Our friends at the Society for the Advancement of Space Age Polymers concocted a food-safe, diamond hard coating especially for Project Dimmel. You can’t get your hands on the stuff we used, I can only recommend that you ask your local stonemason for the toughest, food-safe concrete sealer available. Wear adequate protection when you apply it, if it’s strong enough to work, it’s strong enough to irritate your skin.

Here’s what it looks like with the sealer. A few things of note here; in spite of all the irregularities that appeared after sanding, the concrete will look much more uniform (closer to how it looked wet) when the sealer is applied. Also, concrete–while you might think it would be a neutral gray–has a bit of warmth to it. I like the look quite a bit but was not expecting it. Lastly, get in there and be sure that you cover EVERYTHING! Some sealers will leave tiny pinholes (voids in the topcoat) and if you get a contaminate into one of these voids it could stain the exposed concrete beneath.

The final. So far we’ve dropped a number of Pyrex containers on this sucker and spilled gallons of wine and coffee on the countertop (stop judging me!) and it has withstood it all. All members of the Project Dimmel staff are in unanimous agreement on this one, a rare feat. Get in there, don’t be afraid. If you want this look for your house, you got it.

It’s Back To Cool Time!

I’ve been out of school for a long time and for whatever reason, “Back To School” season–no matter how much fun and excitement advertisers try to graft on to it–always brings me down. It wasn’t that I didn’t dig school growing up, it was just that I always got hung up on whether or not I had made the most of the fleeting Summer months. I think that’s a pretty common side effect of the Winters here in the upper mid-west, spending five frozen months indoors will do that to a guy.

Thankfully that’s not true for the young members of Project Dimmel. They meet the start of each new school year with aplomb and composure that I could never summon. They get excited about new classes and new supplies and new opportunities and I’m happy for them. It’s just that I like having them around all Summer and this time of year is one long reminder that they’re growing up fast, destined to strike out on their own someday. I can’t keep them with me forever any more than I can hold on to the fading Summer.

If you were up early with your kids this morning, you felt it when you walked outside. It was gorgeous today, don’t get me wrong, but there was a sobering chill to the morning air. Perfect First Day Of School Weather actually, pleasant enough to fill you with hope, yet crisp enough to leave no doubt in your mind that change is coming. Didn’t phaze the kids one bit. They went on to have a great day at school which they breathlessly told me about in granular detail. It makes me think I should stop worrying and learn to love this time of year. I’ve set wonderful little things in motion, and while I do not control them, that’s not really my job. My job is simply to put the right spin on them before I loosen my grip and, like the Summer, watch ’em go go go.

They always come back, after all.

Cry Havoc! And Let Slip the Red Menace of Como!

To the blare of trumpets, we welcome the newest member of the Project Dimmel family; our new head of security, Ember.

Work out your salvation with fear and trembling, evildoers! For a new hero stalks the grounds of Project Dimmel! A savior is upon us! Burst forth from the darkness with such raw fury that she did cleave the heart of hell in twain; the Red Menace of Como has come! Beware, you alley-lurking purveyors of powders and crystals clandestine, your doom awaits you wreathed in flame-red fur! Beneath a crown of paper-mache flowers lies a mind so cunning and devious that solicitors dare not hock their dubious wares within earshot lest they be run down and devoured by the Red Menace of Como. Inside the barrel chest of this valiant warrior beats the proud heart of a champion devoted solely to her charge; protecting the innocent, fair maidens of Project Dimmel.

Drunkards, perverts, brutes and brigands steer clear! She does not sleep. She knows not fear. Her only goal is to torment those that would dare disturb the peace of Project Dimmel.

And also, she likes to snuggle.

Daddy Hippo Gets Attacked

The above video should give you a pretty clear idea of what passes for humor in the Project Dimmel household.

Folks are often surprised to learn just how ribald the comic sensibilities are around here. “You have three daughters” they say, “that must be so charming!”. It is, of course, but that’s not really what people are getting at when they tell me what a picnic raising girls must be. What they mean is that it must be so nice to have girls as opposed to boys. While I’m behind this idea 100%, I think it may be instructive for people to learn what life is really like with three daughters. Of course there are benefits; the girls love hugs, they sing and dance all day long, my appliances are covered in heart warming doodles of the girls and their mother strolling hand-in-hand through HeartCloudLand whilst rainbows and sparkles refract into glorious patterns. While boys on the other hand, they smash everything they can’t easily stab, they slouch and swear all day long, and when they can manage to stop teasing the pets long enough to pick up a crayon, they usually draw something along the lines of an F-14 strafing a queue of fleeing civilians. So yes, it is a pleasure to have three daughters, but there is a dark side, too. While Mom fares well in the kids drawings, games and imaginings, I remain the target of all their cruel taunts and jibes, none so malicious as their favorite game: Daddy Hippo Gets Attacked.

It all started innocently enough. The girls were pretending to be leopards, sleek, stealthy, beautiful, agile. I wanted in, so I pretended to be a Daddy Leopard guiding his cubs to safety or hunting a zebra for dinner or fending off some barbarous baboons. Whatever it was, they stopped me short and made it very clear that in this game, I was to be Daddy Hippo and I was going to be hunted by leopards until they wore me down, dispatched me with a Swift Bite To The Back of the Head, and feasted on my entrails. I tried in vain to declare the hallway at Project Dimmel HQ a safety zone (the cool waters of the Masai River) where I could recoup but they would have none of it. They quickly developed an astonishingly deep rule set for the game with cruel calculus wherein every move I made, every attempt to free myself from their clutches, every plea for mercy, only resulted in Daddy Hippo being set upon by three ravenous leopards and torn to smithereens.

The game is fun–don’t get me wrong–and the girls beg me to play it all the time, the point is that they could have made me anything. I would have been happy to be a zebra, an antelope, a hyena, even a baboon, but they made me a hippopotamus. The nastiest, smelliest, fartiest creature in creation and they’ll have it no other way. But look, I could pretend I’m too-busy-to-play-right-now, or I can lean in and take what I get. So I’m Daddy Hippo, I’ll never-ever win a game of Daddy Hippo Gets Attacked, and the above video is Fellini-esque in my daughter’s opinion. Having girls is not all sunshine and lollipops. Yet, they still snuggle me all the time–even if they tell themselves they’re leopards and they’re tearing me to shreds. Maybe Daddy Hippo wins after all.

Of Democracies and Dobermans

It looks as though the security system at Project Dimmel will be receiving an upgrade this Spring in the form of a vicious, snarling attack dog. This is welcome news as our home office is in what realtors like to describe as a “transitional” neighborhood. Our project manager and head of acquisitions was able to get us on the short list for a litter of doberman pinscher puppies set to arrive any day now and the naming of this beast is the most hotly contested debate our office has ever known.

Myself, I’ve always been partial to the classics when it comes to dog naming; Scout, Sam, Comet, Rocket, etc., but the ladies of Project Dimmel feel quite differently on the matter. To keep the peace, I’ve developed a ranked choice voting system–really just a modified version the Standard Code of Parliamentary Procedure–where each member of the Project Dimmel staff is given ten points which they can distribute amongst their top name choices from the pool of twenty approved puppy names. Voters can distribute their points across as many names as they like but they can give no more than six points to any one name. When tallied this results in, of course, the most universally agreed upon pet name preferred by the majority of staff members.

In theory.

In reality, the results have been closer to a Capone-era Chicago election with rampant corruption, ballot box stuffing, deception, voter intimidation and chicanery galore all leading up to a failed coup and a declaration of martial law. Is this any environment in which to raise a puppy I ask you? It is not, and with the clock ticking it’s time to set democracy aside in favor of a more “top down” style of governance. Fair? No. But I’ll do whatever it takes to get things done around here.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

The Story of Eight Proudly Spent Dollars.

Our love for Off The Wall era MJ beats is a well documented thing here at Project Dimmel. The trouble is, the Office Cultural Reformation Act (or OCRA) that I passed in 2008 strictly forbade all broadcasting of MJ’s post Jackson 5 catalog.

Look, productivity is up 65% since OCRA passed so I’m not about the flex on the matter, but, on the other hand, have you listened to Off The Wall lately? It’s ridiculously good, so what am I to do? The answer came in the unexpected form of an iTunes gift card from Kathleen, the head of accounts receivable at Project Dimmel. Between you and me, I think Kathleen is totally into me and the company pier is wholeheartedly fished off here at Project Dimmel so I’ll let you all know where that all goes. Anyways, her thoughtfulness lead me to the purchase of the stunning debut from HAIM entitled Days Are Gone.

This 3-sister act from L.A. was naturally going to play pretty well at Project Dimmel headquarters, but there’s so much more to the story than that. Haim aren’t just an 80’s revival act, they’re not homage. Haim are scientists that have studied, dissected and data mined the music of the 80’s in order to create it’s logical conclusion: a perfectly sweet, slow-burning pop that’s as giddy as it is mature.

Listen, I’ve taken a lot of heat for OCRA but workplace accidents are down 19% and on-time deliveries are at their peak since its passing so I’m not apologizing to anyone for anything. And with the arrival of Days are Gone, pining for the the loss Off The Wall is now down an astonishing 204% (right on schedule). Do your office a solid and pick up Days Are Gone from iTunes while it’s still 8 lousy bucks. I can’t guarantee a drop in workplace accidents, but I will promise a sharp increase spontaneous office ass shaking.