It looks as though the security system at Project Dimmel will be receiving an upgrade this Spring in the form of a vicious, snarling attack dog. This is welcome news as our home office is in what realtors like to describe as a “transitional” neighborhood. Our project manager and head of acquisitions was able to get us on the short list for a litter of doberman pinscher puppies set to arrive any day now and the naming of this beast is the most hotly contested debate our office has ever known.

Myself, I’ve always been partial to the classics when it comes to dog naming; Scout, Sam, Comet, Rocket, etc., but the ladies of Project Dimmel feel quite differently on the matter. To keep the peace, I’ve developed a ranked choice voting system–really just a modified version the Standard Code of Parliamentary Procedure–where each member of the Project Dimmel staff is given ten points which they can distribute amongst their top name choices from the pool of twenty approved puppy names. Voters can distribute their points across as many names as they like but they can give no more than six points to any one name. When tallied this results in, of course, the most universally agreed upon pet name preferred by the majority of staff members.

In theory.

In reality, the results have been closer to a Capone-era Chicago election with rampant corruption, ballot box stuffing, deception, voter intimidation and chicanery galore all leading up to a failed coup and a declaration of martial law. Is this any environment in which to raise a puppy I ask you? It is not, and with the clock ticking it’s time to set democracy aside in favor of a more “top down” style of governance. Fair? No. But I’ll do whatever it takes to get things done around here.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.