Of Democracies and Dobermans

It looks as though the security system at Project Dimmel will be receiving an upgrade this Spring in the form of a vicious, snarling attack dog. This is welcome news as our home office is in what realtors like to describe as a “transitional” neighborhood. Our project manager and head of acquisitions was able to get us on the short list for a litter of doberman pinscher puppies set to arrive any day now and the naming of this beast is the most hotly contested debate our office has ever known.

Myself, I’ve always been partial to the classics when it comes to dog naming; Scout, Sam, Comet, Rocket, etc., but the ladies of Project Dimmel feel quite differently on the matter. To keep the peace, I’ve developed a ranked choice voting system–really just a modified version the Standard Code of Parliamentary Procedure–where each member of the Project Dimmel staff is given ten points which they can distribute amongst their top name choices from the pool of twenty approved puppy names. Voters can distribute their points across as many names as they like but they can give no more than six points to any one name. When tallied this results in, of course, the most universally agreed upon pet name preferred by the majority of staff members.

In theory.

In reality, the results have been closer to a Capone-era Chicago election with rampant corruption, ballot box stuffing, deception, voter intimidation and chicanery galore all leading up to a failed coup and a declaration of martial law. Is this any environment in which to raise a puppy I ask you? It is not, and with the clock ticking it’s time to set democracy aside in favor of a more “top down” style of governance. Fair? No. But I’ll do whatever it takes to get things done around here.

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

The Story of Eight Proudly Spent Dollars.

Our love for Off The Wall era MJ beats is a well documented thing here at Project Dimmel. The trouble is, the Office Cultural Reformation Act (or OCRA) that I passed in 2008 strictly forbade all broadcasting of MJ’s post Jackson 5 catalog.

Look, productivity is up 65% since OCRA passed so I’m not about the flex on the matter, but, on the other hand, have you listened to Off The Wall lately? It’s ridiculously good, so what am I to do? The answer came in the unexpected form of an iTunes gift card from Kathleen, the head of accounts receivable at Project Dimmel. Between you and me, I think Kathleen is totally into me and the company pier is wholeheartedly fished off here at Project Dimmel so I’ll let you all know where that all goes. Anyways, her thoughtfulness lead me to the purchase of the stunning debut from HAIM entitled Days Are Gone.

This 3-sister act from L.A. was naturally going to play pretty well at Project Dimmel headquarters, but there’s so much more to the story than that. Haim aren’t just an 80’s revival act, they’re not homage. Haim are scientists that have studied, dissected and data mined the music of the 80’s in order to create it’s logical conclusion: a perfectly sweet, slow-burning pop that’s as giddy as it is mature.

Listen, I’ve taken a lot of heat for OCRA but workplace accidents are down 19% and on-time deliveries are at their peak since its passing so I’m not apologizing to anyone for anything. And with the arrival of Days are Gone, pining for the the loss Off The Wall is now down an astonishing 204% (right on schedule). Do your office a solid and pick up Days Are Gone from iTunes while it’s still 8 lousy bucks. I can’t guarantee a drop in workplace accidents, but I will promise a sharp increase spontaneous office ass shaking.